Quotable Crowley

As noted below, all page numbers refer to the 1996 Ace mass-market paperback edition. I didn't bother to indent quotes on this page, since you should assume that everything below this paragraph is quoted directly from the book. I also didn't bother to indent the start of new paragraphs unless several lines of dialouge are quoted, in order to avoid confusion. Got it? Good.

"Funny thing is, I keep wondering whether the apple thing wasn't the right thing to do as well. A demon can get into real trouble, doing the right thing."
~ Crawly in the Garden of Eden (p. xi)

He'd been an angel once. He hadn't meant to Fall. He'd just hung around with the wrong people.
~ Crowley pondering his memories of Heaven (p. 12)

Of course, he was all in favor of Armageddon in general terms... But it was one thing to work to bring it about, and quite another for it to actually happen... Because he rather liked people. It was a major failing in a demon.
~ Fearing the Apocalypse (p. 26)

"There's no theaters in Heaven," said Crowley. "And very few films."
"Don't you try to tempt me," said Aziraphale wretchedly. "I know you, you old serpent."
~ Crowley and his drinking buddy (p. 42)

"Well, I'll be damned."
"It's really not too bad," said Crowley, "when you get used to it."
~ Aziraphale and Crowley (p. 45)

"Watch out for that pedestrian!"
"It's on the street, it knows the risks it's taking!"
~ Aziraphale and Crowley, with Crowley driving (p. 72)

There was a whir, a scream, and a clunk. The car stopped.
Aziraphale blinked, lowered his hands, and gingerly opened the door.
"You've hit someone," he said.
"No I haven't," said Crowley. "Someone's hit me."
~ Bad driving habits again (p. 76)

Crowley leaned across to the angel. "Oh Lord, heal this bike," he whispered sarcastically.
~ After Aziraphale fixes Anathema's bicycle (p. 79)

Crowley's hands itched... He longed to steal a few radios, let down some tires, that sort of thing. He resisted it.
~ Crowley entering a parking lot full of new and classy cars (p. 82)

     "Asteroid strike?" said Aziraphale. "...Great big cloud of dust and vapor, goodbye all higher life forms."
     "Wow," said Crowley, taking care to exceed the speed limit. Every little bit helped... "All the higher life forms scythed away, just like that."
     "Terrible."
     "Nothing but dust and fundamentalists."
     "That was nasty."
     "Sorry. Couldn't resist it."
     ~ While driving away from the Manor (p. 95)

Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisement said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighbourhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: "Learn, guys."
~ Describing Crowley's computer and what it comes with (p. 224)

4-0-0-4 was the code, easy to remember, the year he had slithered onto this stupid, marvelous planet, back when it was gleaming and new.
~ Crowley opening the hidden safe inside his London flat (p. 228)

(Crowley) went down to his Bentley and drove toward the West End as if all the demons of Hell were after him. Which was more or less the case.
~ Crowley escaping the wrath of his superiors (p. 234)

Heaven and Hell aren't running things any more, it's like the whole planet is a Third World country that's finally got the bomb.
~ Crowley thinking about the impending End of the World (p. 256)

Because, underneath it all, Crowley was an optimist. If there was one rock-hard certainty that had sustained him through the bad times - he thought briefly of the fourteenth century - then it was utter surety that he would come out on top; that the universe would look after him.
Okay, so Hell was down on him. So the world was ending. So the Cold War was over and the Great War was starting for real. So the odds against him were higher than a vanload of hippies on a blotterful of Owsley's Old Original. There was still a chance.
~ Crowley deciding to stop the Apocalypse (p. 277)

     "Excuse me," said a voice from behind him. R. P. Tyler turned around.
     There was a large once-black car on fire in the lane and a man in sunglasses was leaning out of one window, saying through the smoke, "I'm sorry, I've managed to get a little lost. Can you direct me to Lower Tadfield Air Base? I know it's around here somewhere."
     Your car is on fire.
     No. Tyler just couldn't bring himself to say it. I mean, the man had to know that, didn't he? He was sitting in the middle of it... So instead he said, "I think you must have taken a wrong turn about a mile back. A signpost has blown down."
     The stranger smiled. "That must be it," he said. The orange flames flickering below him gave him an almost infernal appearance.
     ~ Crowley and his car on fire (p. 305)

"Aziraphale? Is that you? Nice dress."
~ Upon meeting Aziraphale in Madame Tracy's body (p. 316)

He patted a metal surface hot enough to fry eggs on. "You wouldn't get that sort of performance out of one of these modern cars," he said lovingly.
~ Crowley fondling the burned remains of the Bentley (p. 316)

     Aziraphale patted Crowley on the back. "We seem to have survived," he said. "Just imagine how terrible it might have been if we had been at all competent."
     "Um," said Crowley.
     "Is your car operational?"
     "I think it might need a bit of work."
     ~ Crowley and Aziraphale after the Apocalypse is diverted (p. 337)

For more of Crowley's deeper thoughts, click here.

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Important Note: Page numbers in reference to quotations from the book refer to the 1996 Ace mass-market paperback edition.     Disclaimer: Crowley, Aziraphale, and Good Omens are owned and copyrighted by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Excerpts and quotes from the novel Good Omens used throughout this site are reproduced without legal permission, for which I can only hang my head sheepishly and apologize. However, this is a FANSITE, meant in the name of fun, and not intended to make a profit. The lovely model in this site's header graphic is an endangered Eastern Indigo Snake, in a photograph courtesy of SeaWorld.org. Brushes used in the header graphic are courtesy of Paper Flowers.